Does That Make Me Crazy?

I have a little friend that some of you may recognise. I call her my Secret Crazy Lady.

She’s the one that rushes like a bull in a china shop through your head telling you to do stuff that you would NEVER want people to see.

My Crazy Lady visited today when I applied for a job on a casting website. Perfect casting for me, I wrote an amazing eye-catching letter. I had even played it before.

And within 30 seconds I got the automated rejection response.

Crazy Lady instantly demanded that I ring the production company and shriek “WHY?  Have you read my letter? Have you even looked at my profile?? No!  You don’t know what you’re missing! Damn you!  Damn you I say!!!”

Of course, I didn’t. I put Crazy Lady back in her box and got on with my day.

I firmly believe everyone has one.  She’s the one that made Americano with Soy want to grab the director by the collar and scream “But you said you’d definitely use me again!”

She’s the one that makes you list Circus Skills on your CV to make you stand out even though if a director stuck you on a trapeze you would probably break every bone in your body.

And its not limited to acting.  She also gets you those times when you like a guy and you find yourself stalking his Facebook evaluating his female friends to see if they are pretty.

Or when you finally get together with someone you’ve liked for ages, and you wake up in the night and want to take a picture of him asleep just to prove it had really happened.  Before remembering that is stalker behaviour.

Not that that was me.  Not at all. 

She is the voice of irrational paranoia.  Of spontaneous longing. Is it crazy? Is it normal human behaviour?  A fear of rejection not only from lovers but from a career that means everything in the world to you?

Those of you who have your own Crazy Ladies (or indeed Men) may well know what I mean.

Those who don’t.  You lie ;-) 

Frothy Mocha x

Note to Frothy Mocha!

All I have to add is....SHIT! Frothy Mocha I need you and your spreadsheets in my life....as of yesterday!


And thats why I got named Sweet Cuppa!

xxxx

Spreadsheets Make Me Happy

It’s nearing that time of year again.  The end of the tax year. That time when people start panicking and asking things like “Do I need to do my tax return by next week?” (No) “What do I do with all my receipts?” (Keep them)  “Do you know any good accountants?” (Yes) “How are you so calm about it???”

This one I can only answer by revealing one of my guilty pleasures.  Microsoft Excel.

After spending my formative years concealing it, a combination of age and drama school have taught me to embrace who I am, however weird and wonderful. And who I am, is a geek.

I love spreadsheets. 

I don’t mean to boast here but the day after I graduated from drama school, I registered as self employed and went through the pleasant and therapeutic process of creating beautiful orderly spreadsheets on which to log my every business expense and income. There is something about the neat columns, the ability to order it, compartmentalise and even make a pie chart that pleases me.  Everything is there. Everything is clear. Yes I’m sad.

Granted, the expenses sheet is considerably longer than the income sheet.  Even though I’ve been lucky enough to have had several jobs in my 8 months in the professional world, none of them have been paid.  Three of them have been for expenses.  One of which still owes me money.

Which leads on to a whole fresh rant which I shan’t bore you with now entitled “How to Extract Money from Student Film-makers.”  That will be my adventure for Monday.  And I’m sure I’ll have something to say on the matter.

Frothy Mocha x

Espresso - Breath-taking

I had my first medical roleplay job today. I'd been sent the outline of my character and situation last week. Basically my character had recently had an asthma attack and was visiting her doctor for advice. Simple I thought. 
I learnt all my characters background and had even decided on my pet hamsters name, so as I approached the hospital I was feeling rather smug. 
OH DEAR.
As soon as I arrived the doctor informed me that I had been sent the wrong information and I was in fact having the bloody asthma attack today. So I had to pretend to have 10 attacks in total. I felt very weak as I was actually hyperventilating and there were pretend hospital things like Oxygen and Nebulisers (all just air and water but still...) that the students used on me. 
The highlight was when the doctor told me that I was very good and convincing as an asthmatic! I must add it to my Spotlight skill list.


Espresso

Sweet Cuppa...With An Extra Few Lumps!

Well I'm Sweet Cuppa and one of the fork actresses! So where to begin...


Having thought about my first blog for some time...I came to the conclusion (mainly because I love all things feminine, cute and generally girly-hence the name sweet cuppa) that I would start with a little something that amused me which many female actresses may understand and empathize with.


Having read hundreds of casting breakdowns since graduating I am continually drawn to the "Appearance" section in which casting directors specify exactly what they would like in terms of a look. "Must be attractive", "Slim-Medium Build" and "Must have model looks but not an actual model" are phrases that both female and male actors alike often see.


So when I initally entered the weird and wonderful world of acting I began to ask myself: Are my cumbersome hips still in the "slim-medium" bracket?
Am I "attractive" or in fact just average?
And with a pair of suck-in pants and some tight leggings can I really appear two, or even three dress sizes smaller than I actually am?
Just for the record ladies, the answer to the last is Marks and Sparks can work wonders but in my case not miracles!


These questions may be ones that you have indeed asked yourself prior to embarking on your journey to a casting. And when I recieved a breakdown only a few weeks ago that read "Size does not matter, but must be a slim size 10", I burst out into fits of....laughter (not tears - phew, I am mentally stable after all)!


I think one thing that I have learnt as a young (size 12-14) graduating female is don't allow yourself to get too hung up on appearance. It is of course an important factor in getting work but there are a lot of other contributing factors as well.


Being comfortable in yourself I think radiates..So if the woman on the Weight Watchers commercial can rock curves so can all us forks out there.


Oh and I did not apply for the above named casting!


Much love


Sweet Cuppa
Do the right thing and make it two lumps not just the one.

Americano With Soy Reporting for Duty

So… a few days before I'd even graduated I signed to an agency and within a week of that I had my first professional job. A corporate video for a very well known company in which I'd be playing one of their employees.

After having begun the audition by telling them my life-story when they asked for my profile (rather than the literal profile of my face) I assumed I hadn't got it. But they must have liked my moxy because my agent rung me the next day with the good news. It was an afternoon shoot which would pay a substantial amount and an extra £50 if I provided my own costume. Now this proved to be somewhat trickier than I'd imagined. Having never really worked in an office (I doubt my three days a week as an admin assistant in my gap year counts). I wasn't sure what I could dig out of my wardrobe that would fit the "office smart" requirement. However I somehow managed to put a decent outfit together (I always knew that shirt I'd bought for my Uni graduation ceremony would come in handy again.)

The shoot went great, I was told by the director he couldn't believe this was my first time on set as I was so professional, and when I wrapped in less time that any of the other actors he even said "We'll definitely be using you again!"

Little did I know that this opportunity would arise rather sooner than I imagined.

A few months down the line I got a call about an audition for another corporate video, so I donned my new "office smarts" and off I went. As I was sat in the waiting room reading over the script the same director for the last video walks out, "Hello, how are you? Good to see you again!" I looked around at my competition smugly.

Oh yes, I was in with the director.

The audition was done in pairs and I had mine with a man in his early 30's who I did think looked familiar. We walked in and the director greeted me by name in the same familiar way and then asked my partner what his name was. Again, smug. It did dawn on me that I was wearing the exact same outfit I'd used for the last shoot. The director then asked if I'd seen a copy of the last video as it was very good, smugness returned slightly.

By now I was a dab hand at "profile" and everything else, but then it got to "So, tell me what have you been doing recently."

Well.  I had done nothing professionally since that last corporate video with the same director, in the exact same outfit! As “Whats-his-name” began to reel off his various endeavours my smugness drained rapidly away.

All I could say was "Well... the last thing I did was actually a corporate video... which you already know about...!"

That was it, in my moment of panic I didn't even think to lie and the embarrassment definitely affected my performance in the reading!

I was almost tempted to quote the director back to himself.  I envisioned my self grabbing him by the collar and pleading, "But you said you'd definitely use me again!!"

Needless to say, I never got the call.

Americano With Soy

Frothy Mocha and the Fork of Shame

Well I’ll introduce myself first.  I’m Frothy Mocha and I was The Fork.

This basically means I was the one with the promo job spending several sweaty hours in a long plywood tube with armholes, a breathing window and comedy feet.  I did it, of course, for the reason any of us would do it.  For the craic? Possibly. For the artistic merit? Possibly not. For the money…oh yes.

Those of you out there who have had similar jobs will understand that it was worth it for the limitless possibilities to freak people out.  And to be honest, I thoroughly enjoyed myself after the initial twenty minutes of inhaling all the previous incumbents B.O and thinking..."I’m walking through a crowd of suited professionals dressed as a fork. I am dying of shame. If I don’t hunch my shoulders like Quasimodo I can neither see nor breathe.”

However, I am a professional.  And Fork-costume or not, I will suck it up and get on with it. This is what you do to make ends meet in a career that generally has a problem with letting you work normal hours.

I did, however, have several interesting conversations through the course of the day. One woman wanted to know all about me, where I came from, what I wanted to be when I became a full cutlery set. 

Another man had a major problem with the brand that I was promoting. I listened patiently to his issues and nodded (which via the plywood tube involved the Fork’s entire brightly coloured body nodding sagely at him). In the end I directed him to the brand employees who knew what the hell he was talking about and I apologised, uttering the immortal words...”I’m sorry I can’t help you more sir, I’m just an actor dressed as a fork.”


Frothy Mocha x

Welcome to I'm Just An Actor Dressed as a Fork!!

Welcome to the first post by the four graduate actresses collectively known as “I’m Just An Actor Dressed As a Fork”. 

Take a glance into the worlds of Frothy Mocha, Sweet Cuppa, Espresso and Americano with Soy as they try their hardest to stand out in a cut-throat industry.

The idea for this blog came about after a long overdue and boozy catch-up lunch (on a Monday as none of us were working). Many stories were told, laughed and cringed over and the last girls standing decided to pull together their various experiences of hilarity, horror and heartbreak that arise from the real world of a jobbing actress.  Which should be, frankly, an interesting insight into a f*cking strange industry.

We all pledge to name no names and preserve the hard-earned reputations of everyone we meet. We only ask that if you recognise any of us through our stories that you respect our anonymity and preserve the secret code of the working actor.

And we will love you forever. 

The Actresses